Conversations in my Head | Part 1

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Hey

Hi *smiles widely*

What?

Huh?

Why are you smiling like that?

I’m just… It’s just… I didn’t think I’d see your face or hear your voice again. And… well… you know me. I’m happy to spend even just a few minutes with you.

I know that, and I’ve been thinking about that lately.

What do you mean?

Why?

Why what?

Why did you put up with that? Why were you okay with what I can give you? Why didn’t you demand for more? Because you deserve more.

First of all, you were different than any other guy I’ve met. You were straightforward without being cocky, you know? Just… smooth. You were respectful and asked the right questions. I remember that day when you first messaged me. I was baking and I have a lot of things in mind. I was waiting for my cakes to cool when I received your first message. I checked your profile and replied, then after a few exchanges you asked for my skype. There’s not a lot to read on your profile, and I didn’t get to really memorize how you looked like because you also deleted it a few days after. We skyped for hours and even without really knowing how you looked like, I was hooked. I loved talking with you, it’s like we can talk about anything and I’ve never felt that kind of need to know more about a guy for the longest time. I don’t know… Even after I’ve learned about… you know… I knew you’re worth the time and that I’ll be missing on something special if I walk away that early. So I chose to hear your side, trust you, and let myself open up to you the way I’ve never had before.

You were really there for me when I needed you.

I’m glad that I was. Why are you thinking about this now? Are you okay?

Yes. Well, you know how it is. There are good and bad days.

Is today a bad day…?

Not anymore.

So. Tell me. How much do you miss me?

Ah. You have no idea.

Maybe I do. I know I miss you too much. And it’s hard not to be able to talk with you whenever I feel like I really need to, you know?

I know baby.

You called me baby…

You always will be.

Are you really okay? You’re worrying me…

I’m fine. Just thinking about us. How things could’ve panned out if the situation’s different.

Yeah… I always think about that. Up to this day.

Yeah? What do you think about?

I think about you teaching me how to drive. Can’t get it out of my mind ever since you told me about that. I think about baking in the middle of the night, then you’ll come to the kitchen and ask me to go to bed. And I’ll insist I need to finish what I’m doing. Then you’ll sit there and watch me even if you’re tired and sleepy. And I finish whatever I can, as fast as I can, because I feel sorry that you felt the need to stay up late, too, and I think it’s cute and sweet, and also because I know I need to get some sleep. Then we’d go to bed and you whisper “come here”, and give me our hug… do you remember that?

Mhmmmm…

Our own kind of hug? And you’ll almost immediately fall asleep. And I’d smile and close my eyes, thinking how I don’t want to be anywhere but in your arms.

That’s really nice baby. Really really nice.

How much time do you have?

Not much.

Okay… Well… I’ve got to go, too. You promise you’re okay?

Yes. Don’t worry about me.

Okay. Thank you, for calling me today. You know you can still do that anytime, right?

I don’t want to impose or take advantage.

Let’s say I benefit from it too. And if I’m not comfortable with it anymore, I’ll let you know. For now, don’t think I’d turn you away.

Okay. Thank you. I needed this.

My pleasure. Have a good night.

You have a good day.

 

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Why is it so hard to find love?

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It’s one of those days, when this really heavy feeling overwhelms me and takes over. I have a lot of unanswered questions and I doubt everything about myself. 
I spent the past 3 days with coworkers I no longer feel comfortable with. Last night when I got home, I was talking to my sister but I think she’s chatting with her friends on her phone so she wasn’t really listening to me. Then this morning… Let’s just say I was hoping to sort of feel a little better, looking forward to talking with someone but that conversation led to more heaviness in my heart. 

I do what I can in my life, but why is it so hard to be happy? Why is it so hard to get love? Am I that horrible that I’m better off alone? When will someone make a conscious decision of choosing me? Are their lives better without me?

Island

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“Every man is an island. He lives for, and by, himself.” That was my bestfriend in college, when his girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him. Of course, 10 years, 2 girlfriends, and a marriage after, I’m sure he doesn’t believe that anymore. I, on the other hand, never forgot that line.

The past months have been difficult for me. I’ve always asserted myself as a strong, no-nonsense, passionate, liberated woman.

I like engaging in conversations, listening to other people’s stories, sharing my own experiences, hoping we’d learn from each other. I have always been curious and thirsty for new information, ever since I started reading and writing. I like trying new experiences, even risky ones.

Imagine being told, by people you considered family, that you’re too pushy, too talkative, too assertive for your own good. That jokes are offensive when it’s you who’s telling them, they’re sick of your stories, they feel like you always ‘win’ during discussions, and— they don’t like it when you join them trying new stuff. That you’ve been stealing ‘their thing’. You already have ‘baking’, for fuck’s sake.

I was crushed. It was a big slap on my face and an even bigger stab on my self-esteem. I was told they still want to be friends with me, but basically I can’t tell jokes, can’t share experiences, can’t suggest where we can go or eat or what to do, can’t join in the things they enjoy doing. I’m confused— how am I supposed to act around them now?

They said they’re offended by my words and actions. They said they’ve let these things pass in the past (they were able to literally write down these things though, so I don’t know if that’s “letting things pass”, sounds more like “keeping grudges” to me). They were offended and hurt. They told me this after not talking to me, cutting me out of the group without saying anything, for about a month.

I apologized for the things I did, those that I know I’m at fault. I also apologized for making them feel bad (when telling jokes, when sharing too much of my life, when joining the things they enjoy doing), though my intentions aren’t what they think. I apologized for hurting them.

But I still can’t understand why those things were offensive. I thought we were friends, I thought we’re supposed to share— experiences, knowledge, time. And I don’t know if they realize how they’ve hurt me, too. I don’t know if they realize how deep their words have wounded me, and that they still hurt, a month after they’ve talked to me about it. I don’t know if they realize how they caused someone to doubt herself, to doubt her ability to make friends, and her ability to love other people. Because apparently, I’ve been doing everything wrong. I don’t even know if they still care.

It doesn’t help that I’m also feeling the distance with another person I’ve been really close with. I have this belief that I don’t deserve anybody’s time, so I can’t demand it from them. I only have to wait for them to initiate and decide on their own if they’ll give me a slice of their time, I just couldn’t ask someone to do that for me. And I’ve been waiting for days. I know he’s busy and may be going through other things himself. I just wish he’d let me in.

It’s funny how these people used to know what I’m thinking, what I’ve been doing, where I’ve been going. They used to know me. Now, they have no idea what’s been happening in my life. No one knows what happens when I’m alone on weekends. How this is scary for me. How lost and weak I feel.

I guess not every man is an island. But I am. I’m an island in a vast ocean. Whether I flourish or get engulfed by these waters, no one’s gonna know.

#Selfish2016

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I only have one major goal this year: to love myself more than anyone else. 
I must take care of myself in all ways. I’ll be the reason of my own happiness. Everything I do will ultimately be for my own benefit. I will never let anyone make me just an option again. 
I have to come first in my own list of priorities, so I attract the same kind of treatment. No more crumbs or scraps or fill ins— it’s all or nothing. 

Closing 2015: A New Year Reminder from Paulo Coelho

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CLOSING 2015

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.

Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
Paulo Coelho

Moving On (from Relationship Rules page)

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You could be madly in love with someone and then when you two break up, people will expect you to just get over them instantly. But that is not the way the heart works, especially one that was deeply rooted in someone else’s love.

It takes time adjusting how you always saw yourself with someone in a certain light. It takes time making peace with the fact that you and someone else will never be together forever like you always thought you both would. It takes time mentally packing up all the memories that you both have made, and putting them in the back of your mind in storage.

It takes time to mentally prepare yourself to never hear the words “I love you” again from someone that you loved so much. Getting over someone is not always that easy because sometimes that person has played such a major role in your life. And when they leave, not only is a piece of your heart missing but, a piece of your life is missing as well. We all need time figuring out how to fill that void again. We all need time finding a way to plug that space with something that won’t always have us looking back with regret.

We all need time to heal so that we can move on for good one day.

Poetry

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I can see you.

And me.

I see you with me.

 

In my head

In my memories

I can see you even when my eyes are shut.

 

I see good things

Fun things

Beautiful, intimate things.

 

But then I see her.

And you.

And her, with you.

 

And I don’t see me anymore.

 

I may have a special spot in your heart

 

But do I have my own place in your life?