Best text messages of the week:

I still like text messages and YM chats more than tweets. True story.

May 30: “Globe Advisory: Please be advised that your current Globe bill amounting to P837.50 was already settled thru your credit card Citibank.” -that’s the single girl’s phone bill. LOL.

May 28: “Mga bru, Friday sleepover: poker, kwentuhan, movies, etc. Potluck na lang tayo. Text text. ” -Friday bonding with girlfrieeeeeends! And with baby Leon, the youngest member of the barkada.

May 26: “You’re too special to be treated something you don’t deserve.” -*sigh*

May 25: “I tried to text you kasi I wanted to talk to you. Ikaw gusto ko makausap non.” -again, *sigh*

I just want to be taken care of.

Yesterday, I went back to manila after my Boracay trip with my family. I felt so tired I slept for at least 10 hours.

I planned this trip, and boy, I’ve never felt so pressured in making sure everyone had a good time! It was our first real family trip: no other relatives or friends with us or waiting for us. Aside from a few unprecedented mishaps, overall, it was a success.

I’m now back in the office, with a terrible headache and sore muscles. I just want to go home, lie down and hug my pillows.

But how great it must be if I can actually go home to someone and be taken care of… Yes, it will always boil down to that topic. Seriously though, it’s too tiring to be the strong one: mentally, emotionally, physically. I want to know how it feels to be the submissive one, to not think about every detail and make sure nothing goes wrong, to not make the big decisions, to not take care of everybody else including myself. Even just for a little while, even just for a few times.

Goodbye, Dr. House.

For the past weeks now, I’ve been denying myself the new House, M.D. episodes, missing 6 in a row. I was hoping to delay its impending end, but now I’m ready to do a finale marathon.

House, MD must be my 2nd most favorite tv series of all time, next to FRIENDS. I love its humor, characters, visual effects, the continuous battle between what’s moral and what’s not, and how it makes me still think about what I had just watched long after I’ve seen an episode.

I was 2 & 1/2 season behind when I started watching this, and I remember I’d spend most of my ‘sleep’ hours after my call center shift trying to finish the first season. What I also like about this series is that, I won’t ever see the main cast again without remembering them from House, even Hugh Laurie. He will always be the arrogant, genius, cane-walking doctor for me. The rest, they will always be Cuddy, Wilson, Cameron, Chase, Thirteen, Taub, Kutner and Masters (I never gotten attached to Adams and Park).

I’ve followed the series for years, developing a huge celebrity crush on Hugh Laurie, making him my 2nd Hollywood celeb must-see in my personal list (if you know me, you should know who’s in the first spot, haha). It really makes me sad that it will never be renewed for another season again, but frankly speaking, it’ll be best for the show. Up until this season’s 5th episode, as much as I love this show, I had to convince myself it will get better. The first 4 episodes were really horrible for me, and I can’t believe this is House I’m talking about. When Taub and Chase returned, things got a little better, but I’ve seen the best years of House, this definitely isn’t it. But I needed the familiarity, especially with Dr Chase there, that helped a lot.

Watching House for 5 years now, there are several episodes and moments I will never forget, for one reason or another:

1. “Paternity”, Season1, Episode2. This was in season 1, wow! Anyway, this is one of my favorites because this is where I first saw House do anything to win a bet, and prove his medical theories at the same time. This was the episode where the patient is an adopted child, and House tested the adoptive parents’ coffee cups to prove that. This is also where I first learned the importance of the vaccines we receive during infant years, and how it still can affect people several years after.

2. “House vs God”, Season 2, Episode 19. I love this because it shows how much Chase looks up to House, and how House knows about that, haha! He’s such a fanboy!

3. “Fetal Position”, Season 3, Episode 17. I particularly like Season 3, I think it’s the most emotional season of all. In this one, House performed an open-uterus surgery on the fetus, who grabbed House’s finger during operation, and left House in awe. It might be the first time I saw him being ‘touched’ by another human being, more figuratively than literally. I don’t know why, but I can never ever forget that scene, and even the time when I was watching it. I know I was in our living room in Bulacan then, and I cried after that episode. Also, I later on learned it was based on the photo of Samuel Armas taken by Michael Clancy. See, the things we learn from tv! Who said it’s bad for ya? LOL.

4. “Airborne”, Season 3, Episode 18. This is memorable because they used a Tagalog sentence. House and Cuddy was in an airplane and one of the passengers is sick. The stewardess asked the passenger, “Sir, nilalagnat ka ba?” I had to rewind it to confirm what I thought I heard, haha! Also, when the stewardess asked if anybody on the plane’s a doctor, House answered ‘YES!’ then said he’ll get Cuddy. Hahahaha what a jerk!

5. “The Choice”, Season 6, Episode 20. This is where House becomes more expressive how he feels about Cuddy. Look at those intense eyes:

6. “Help Me”, Season 6, Episode 22. Of course, after 6 seasons, they finally got together. I’m a HUGE House-Cuddy fan. This is one of the best ones, super kilig moment! <3

7. “Recession Proof”, Season 7, Episode  14.  House loved Cuddy more than he loved his medical career, which is too much. Can’t blame Cuddy for breaking up with him, but that was still heart-breaking…

Other favorite moments: whenever House talks to Wilson, realizes something about his case, and walks out without a word; and their special friendship, which is loosely based on Holmes and Watson’s relationship. Hey, you should already know that, if you’re a fan.

And then of course I have my favorite House quotes: “Everybody lies”, obviously, and “Want a better anagram for Gregory House? Huge ego, sorry”.

I’ve read some made-up endings from fans, and I now know Wilson has cancer. But personally, I still haven’t made up my mind how I want this to end. It’ll be nice to see everyone again for the last time, though… Ugh, I’m sure I’m gonna suffer from separation anxiety after May 21st!

In any case, this is one of the moments I’d always remember about House: he has a heart, and he’s capable of love.

P.S. I’m currently watching Season 8 Episode 15.

Fitzgerald – Zuluaga beach wedding at El Rio y Mar Resort

April 27, Friday: Wedding Day of Joel Fitzgerald and Trizzia Zuluaga

The night before, I briefed our GSD and kitchen staff regarding set up and other minute details. We all woke up early, had breakfast, and went to work.

We made sure the pool floaters are all done, ready to be lit up that evening, we worked on the centerpieces (fishbowls wth sand, shells, blue candles and flowers), and put the Christmas lights in the restaurant. By noon the guys erected the bamboo posts that will serve as the wedding gazebo, and our staff place the fabrics over it. The chairs are lined up, we’ve put flowers on the bamboo poles, put the fabric over the sand and used big shells as fabric weights as it’ll be the walkway. Sound system’s in place, the acoustic trio from Club Paradise have arrived, and I worked on the directional wooden signs. Oh and yes, I finished the guestbook! Haha. Here’s how the cover looks like:

At around 2PM, we started cutting the flowers to be put in the walkway, and the girls from housekeeping made up the couple’s suite room and put fresh blue roses and a couple of blue statice+green buttons all over the room. The girls in the restaurant also started setting up the presidential table with white roses, blue hydrangeas and white astromeria, which turned up to be really pretty. I think no one could ever go wrong when it comes to flowers! My trips to Dangwa is one of my favorites when it comes to wedding preps!

We also used white dendrobiums (yes, I also became an expert when it comes to flowers’ names… and bulk prices too!) for the buffet and cake table. I love orchids because their petal are thick, they don’t wither that easily.

At 3:45PM I went back to my room to take a quick shower, wedding should start at around 4:30PM, just right for a sunset wedding. As I was taking a shower, IT STARTED TO RAIN. I was like, WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… But then the sun shone again, and in a few minutes everyone’s by the beach taking their seats. One of their relatives from Australia logged on Skype and watched the ceremony, it was really cool!

So anyway… I asked Joel to go to the back part of the aisle and start walking down, then his parents, then Trizzia’s mom (it’s only her dad walking with her), and they were all looking at me blankly, as if I’m telling them to do something ridiculous. I think that’s not how they do it in Australia, haha! Even Mike was like, ‘Really? They have to walk too?’

Trizzia’s already with her dad in our spa where they’ll come from before they appear in the walkway. I called them and told them it’s their turn. I was looking at them, thinking, something’s missing… Trizzia then asked me if they’ll just walk through the white fabric, then I stopped them. She’s not holding her bouquet!!! Haha. I went to get it, gave it to her (Trizzia: we almost forgot, haha!), signaled the acoustic players to start playing, then watched from the sideline.

As the acoustic trio played ‘Got To Believe’, Trizzia was there with her dad, walking slowly, smiling. She’s so pretty, so beautiful. Joel was waiting, also smiling, and everyone else was standing, their cameras on her. The ceremony went on, they exchanged rings and vows, and it was time to pronounce the newlyweds. We provided flower petals and rice grains for their guests to throw at the couple, it was fun to look at, haha. They had their photo session then they headed to the bar, where Joel rang the bell (meaning he’ll pay for everyone’s drinks)!

Going to the bar, Trizzia’s mom turned to me and said, ‘Arci, ang ganda ng anak ko noh?’ I told her ‘Yes po, all of them!’ Which is true. They’re all pretty, Trizzia and Michelle and Karla, and even their mom and dad. Joel’s family, too. The Zuluagas and Fitzgeralds are living proofs that you can have the means, the looks and still have a heart. They are beautiful people and super nice to everyone.

We then lit the pool floaters (so pretty at night) and I started calling everyone to find their seats at the restaurant. We welcomed the couple again, offered a prayer and opened the buffet. After dinner was the cutting of the cake and wine toast, the toast given by Joel’s dad. Then it was Joel’s turn to give a message. He thanked everyone who flew miles just to be with them, and he also thanked the resort staff and me, for doing a wonderful job. Trizzia also looked at me then, and I was touched. I KNEW I wanted to do this, I love being the wonderful wedding planner, haha!

I reminded everyone regarding their flights and time of check out for the next day, thanked them for choosing El Rio and introduced our staff for the cultural show. Trizzia told me she’s always wanted to learn the Tinikling, and that everyone should also have a go at it! Some of them did, and I know they had a really great time.

When I told Trizzia I’ll be distributing the tokens, she was like, ‘You’ll be distributing the what?’ I said ‘The tokens.’ She said, ‘What tokens?’ And then her face lit up and said ‘Oh ye, the tokens! Hahahaha I’ve forgotten about that!’ Yup, as a planner, it’s my job to remember the things the clients forget! Haha.

Everyone loved the guestbook (if this is anMMKepisode that’ll be the title, LOL) and the photowall I had printed. As Mike said, it’s the little things that make the difference. I’m so happy with how things went, I’m so thankful for our very efficient staff. I’m really confident we’ll do just fine, everything went smoothly. This is my first wedding to organize, and it excites me to think there are more to come. As Trizzia’s dad told me, weddings are fun to organize because it’s such a happy occasion.

The next day, I left the resort earlier than the rest of the group, since my flight is in the morning. When I was at the Busuanga airport, I got a text message from Ms Gem, our GSD Supervisor: ‘Nakakainspire naman ang comments ng mga guest mo, naiiyak ako ha. Thank you din po sayo at di mo kami iniwan. Haha ‘

Awwwww… I wanna see what they wrote in the comment sheet! I’m now back in Manila office, and the people here has been asking me how my trip was. I kept telling them: ‘This is my best Coron trip EVER. And this is the best group I have ever had, E-V-E-RRRRRR! I super love them. I do! Ooooops, pun intended. LOL.

I know I worked my ass off to make everything go as smoothly as possible, but it wouldn’t be possible if not for the support of everyone at the resort. I’ve always been proud of them, and I’ve gained new respect for them. So talented and so efficient. So to all of us, as Mike Tristram said: GOOD JOB, MATE!

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Links/contact details to wedding suppliers:

Wedding cakes and cupcakes: Bethany Dream Cakes

Flowers: Kuya Concon (Dangwa Flower market): +639084642719

Wedding Photographer: Michael Tristram

El Rio y Mar/Coron Trip, April 2012, Part 2

Continuation…

April 22, Sunday.

So when I arrived in El Rio, my officemate from Manila, Jennie, was already there (she came from another wedding in Club Paradise). We went to our room to freshen up and went back to the bar to welcome the arrival of my wedding group. I’ve met the bride, Trizzia, twice before, but it’s the first time I’m meeting the groom, Joel. They came with Joel’s parents, grandmother and siblings. Trizza’s family came later that afternoon, as well as Joel’s uncle, aunt and cousin (Ethan, who looks like Eminem. What a handsome boy!). That afternoon, Jennie and I also went kayaking through the mangroves, where we also saw a real pretty blue starfish. We then took a quick dip in the bay and infinity pool. After all those physical activities, I let myself indulge on spicy crabs during dinner. YUMMEH. I didn’t have cake, but that’s okay. CRABS FOR MY BIRTHDAY DINNER FTW!

April 23, Monday.

We’re supposed to hike up the Hunter’s Peak but it rained, so we just lazed around and waited for more arrivals that day, including a Filipino family I met during the Travel Tour Expo last February. They asked then if I can give them a discount for their Coron Island tour, and I said maybe I will if they bring me a birthday gift, and I was just teasing them, but they actually brought me one! Haha! I was so touched they remembered, and they took the time to give me something. I super love their kids, especially the girl, Micah (I’m not sure how it’s spelled), she’s really sweet. The older brother is a bit quiet, but I see that he’s very fond of their baby brother, Gabriel. This little guy is very cute, with his curly hair and cute dimples! They went crazy when they heard we have a kiddie pool, haha! Dr Gonzales and his wife are also very nice, when they left they even gave gifts to some of our staff, those who assisted them all throughout their stay. What a beautiful family!

April 24, Tuesday.

This time we were able to do the hiking. We started at around 5:30am and were able to reach the top and catch the sunrise. It was funny when Trizzia did the 360° shot and everyone has to go behind her and follow her turn around, while Tonton, Dr Gonzales and I had to crouch down. We all looked stupid, haha! I also took a group shot of them, I asked them to do a jump shot, but jumping form the hill all the way down. Nobody wanted to, LOL.

After lunch I spent some time in my room, working on the guestbook for the wedding. I know it’s just a little thing, it’s not even a really big deal compared to the other inclusions in the package. Still, I wanted it to be presentable and personalized, as I would want someone to do the same thing for me for my own wedding. That’s how my mindset has been all through this whole thing: from the meetings to the updates and preparations, the reminders and consultations, up to the final arrangements— I always put my own feet in the bride’s shoes, thinking how I would like my wedding planner to treat me, my guests, and my wedding, and I go from there.

As dead as my lovelife has been for the longest time, I remain to be a hopeless romantic, at least when it comes to engagements and weddings. It’s never just an ordinary day to me. People spend time and money and emotions to get to that day, and as a planner you should make all of that really worth it. It’s the best day of their lives, they should feel exactly like it is.

Anyway, I also had a small welcome banner printed which we let hanging below the resort’s welcome sign from the day they arrived until they checked out. This one the bride (with whom I’ve been coordinating all the while) did not know about, and it was nice to see they’re pleasantly surprised with it.

This day, their photographer, Mike, also arrived, who came all the way from Australia. Isn’t that something? He’s really good, and nice, too. Trizzia has been telling me how excited Mike is when she showed him El Rio y Mar’s website. Later on Mike also told me that when Trizzia was telling him about the Coron Islands, he searched for photos online, and he just couldn’t stop thinking about this trip! He said he had to tell Trizzia to stop talking to him about it, haha. I love it when El Rio and the whole island of Coron/Busuanga have this effect on people.

That night I again worked on the guestbook, while watching a very recent and pleasant discovery: White Collar! I just found it in one of the folders in my sister’s laptop (which I only borrowed because, as some of you may know, I had a bet with myself that if I get to lose at least 10lbs before my birthday, I’d buy myself a Mac Book Air. I did lose 10lbs, but I wasn’t prepared with the buying part. Sheeeesh).

April 25, Wednesday.

The group went to Club Paradise for the day tour, and they got good photos and swam with sea turtles. That morning while they’re gone, the staff worked on the pool floaters and I, as you’ve guessed it, continued with the guestbook. I did  not expect that it’ll take me days to finish the thing, but I started designing it real pretty that I can’t just let the other pages look like I didn’t care anymore. Buti na lang talaga I’m creative, hahahaha! But hey, I am honestly proud that I’m capable of doing a lot of things, at least I didn’t have to ask someone else to it for me.

I also monitored the arrival of the wedding cake and cupcakes in the office, since it’ll be delivered that day. My officemates said they’re pretty naman. I think I’ll get them again for my next wedding client.

We had the Sailor’s Night and dinner by the beach, and our staff looked gooood! I envy them, I also wanted a sailor’s costume! They’re so cute and funny, it was the first time they wore it and they’re excited, haha.

I was almost finish with the guestbook, and I also started watching In Time. I can’t believe I haven’t watched that, Justin Timberlake’s in there pa naman.

April 26, Thursday.

I accompanied the group to the Coron Islands, left the resort at 9AM and we were in town after about an hour. We made a stop in our office there, in Coron Tours and Travel, where our guests can use the restroom before starting the island tour. I also brought donuts for Ms Sharmane and her staff. Ms Mane said I lost weight, and was I glad to hear it from her! Haha! It’s always a good feeling to hear compliments like that. I worked on it so people should better notice! LOL.

I felt a lot better when we reached the port. As we were making everyone step into the boats, our suki boatman also told me, “Ma’am pumapayat ka ah!” Oh how I love this place. Coron really has a special place in my heart. Haha! But seriously, I love this place!!!

Anyway, I’ve been in this tour many times before, and I realized climbing my way to Kayangan Lake gets easier each visit, but it never fails to amaze me. Kayangan Lake and Siete Pecados are my fave spots there.

We got back at the resort just in time for dinner, and we had a Hawaiian-themed beachfront buffet. The staff also prepared a short show for everyone, including fire dancing, which I failed to practice! Ugh. I need to master my poi skills first THEN I will do the fire dance. Next time I will. I will I will I will!

By the way, I was just really thankful that despite the delays and flight cancellations and cargo bump offs, our cakes and flowers got to the resort that day, all fresh and pretty! We stored the flowers in one of our offices and turned the aircon to its lowest temperature. I love the sight of flowers in buckets of water, side by side, white and green and blue. I like how the room smelled, and I can’t wait to do the set up the next day. The bouquet is really pretty too, I don’t have photos of them but I’ll post them once I’ve received the ones from Mike.

Now, it’s time to tell you how it went during the wedding day. This requires a new entry though. On to the next one!

El Rio y Mar/Coron trip, April 2012, Part 1

I had a very eventful week. Let me recall what happened and pretend I’m writing in my diary, if I actually have one:

April 21, Saturday

I was supposed to fly to Busuanga Saturday afternoon via Cebu Pacific at 3PM. I was a bit impatient having to fall in line to Cebu Pacific’s check in counter designated for all domestic flights. It would be faster, I think, if the counters are assigned for each particular flight. It’s possible that a group of people who’s in a later flight than I am checks in first, with all their baggages and long check in process, and I won’t have enough time to check mine in. Fortunately that did not happen, but this is just the beginning of my story (let me assure you I won’t be using the word ‘fortunately’ again when talking about this airline).

My flight was delayed for an hour, but I wasn’t shocked or anything, and not really pissed off. At the terminal, I saw BGK’s Rico Maierhofer and his girlfriend waiting in the same gate as I am, and I wondered where they’re headed. Following Rico’s tweets, I learned they’re going to Boracay, and with their flight being delayed as well, Rico announced to his followers that he’ll answer their questions while waiting for boarding. I’ve been thinking about approaching him the moment I saw him to introduce myself and give him my business card (I’m ALWAYS on work mode), but I didn’t want to just ambush him during his vacation. So I nicely asked on Twitter if I can approach him, and here’s how our conversation went:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeah, I believe I was able to convince them to consider El Rio for their next vacation, haha. I also told them I’m handling the weddings there and it seemed that they’re excited about the thought (Rico, more than his girlfriend, haha). Are these two engaged? Anyway… I then boarded the plane, only to wait for about an hour seated inside a very poor-ventilated plane (I think we got the ‘ordinary’ one, airconditioner’s  so not working!) and be told our flight was cancelled because of air traffic. In my 3 years of flying out to Coron, and in the years I’ve been traveling anywhere for that matter, it was the first time my flight got cancelled. On a hot, summer day, take note. I collected my 14kg luggage + 2mx4m photowall tarp, and with my carry ons (laptop + 5 dozens of Krispy Kreme)  went to CebPac’s assistance counter to have my flight rebooked. I asked if they will provide free transfers to hotels and/or accommodations, but they didn’t. I feel sorry for those who had to book another night in Manila, or have their Coron accommodations adjusted, or those whose vacation is already ruined because of the hassle. At least my cab fares will be shouldered by our company, and I’m not paying for my hotel. Still, I was so disappointed.

So I went back to my apartment in QC and spent my birthday eve alone. I should’ve been drinking in our floating bar by then, ugh.

April 22, Sunday

I’m officially 27… yey? Haha. My sisters are the first ones to greet me, then some friends on Twitter, then my parents, then my extended family, then officemates from Manila and resort staff in Palawan. If you’re reading this and you didn’t greet me, whatever, you loser. LOLjk. But seriously, a lot of my friends forgot. Well at least now I know I don’t have to feel guilty when I forget THEIR birthdays. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you, right?

I’ve always taken birthday greets seriously, but in the past 2 years, I’ve lowered my expectations. Because really, even bestfriends forget. Oh well.

Our flight was on time this time, but I did not get to the plane without any hassle, OF COURSE. I was at the airport by 6:20am, my flight’s at 8:25. Again, the check in counters are for all domestic destinations, the queue’s just crazy! I also noticed the girl at the counter kept on leaving and going back again, the line’s not moving and before I know it, I only have 15mins before I can check in. I asked the gentleman behind me to look after my luggage while I ask what’s happening. The girl at the counter said I just have to wait since they’re assisting those whose flights were cancelled that morning. I explained my situation and I’m not calm at this time, and she even assumed I just got to the airport, making it sound like it’s my fault if I miss the standard check in time. I asked if there’s another counter where I can transfer to, and she kept on saying I just have to wait. How ridiculous! If there are flight delays or cancellations, they should have a separate ‘team’ to assist the affected passengers, and not the same ones who are supposed to assist those who are actually flying out! I came back after 5mins, and one of the girls said my flight’s at 9:25am pa naman. I was almost screaming at them, and I said “Hello, my flight is at 8:25, don’t you know your own flight schedules??! I should be boarding my plane by now!” They then asked me to just go to the ‘Last Call Counter’, where no one’s lining up! My god! I then shouted at them saying that’s what I’ve been asking earlier and nobody directed me there! I was traveling alone, I couldn’t have just left my luggage and reserve my spot on that line and scout the other counters to know if I can check in there. HOW VERY INEFFICIENT!!!!! I was running to get to the gate, and I got just in time, they were boarding the plane na. Hay nakoooooo.

So I reached El Rio y Mar, with 2 more guests I picked up at the airport. There’s this Japanese couple who’s also affected by the flight cancellation, and I asked where they’re supposed to stay, I was about to advise them to call and inform their hotel about what happened, and they said they haven’t booked one yet. See, work mode still on.

This is already long for one post, let me continue on the next one.

Sequel to the open love letter.

This is weird. Why am I feeling such a great loss when I really shouldn’t? It’s not like we spent time together or shared a cherished memory. And can you really feel like you lost someone you never had?

Almost had, maybe, but not quite. This again makes me angry at double standards, because I could’ve made the move. And I know you’ve answered this, but I’ll never understand why you never even tried to ask me out. I’ve always believed that guys are easy, it’s really the girls who make things complicated in any relationship. If a guy likes you, you’ll know. He’ll show you how he feels. But if he doesn’t text you in the middle of the night and ask if you’re still up because he couldn’t sleep (riiiight…), and he doesn’t share VERY personal stuff with you, and he doesn’t send you ‘good morning’ messages, then DO NOT ASSUME HE LIKES YOU. It’s not because he’s busy, it’s because, as the movie goes, he’s just not that into you.

But dude, you did those things to me eh. You flirted, and you talked, and you shared things about you. And last night you said it yourself: you do like me, but it’s too late. It should’ve been just in time. You didn’t even try eh. You didn’t want to take the risk, you’re too scared of the rejection, even when I wasn’t pa-hard-to-get. SO WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY????

I’m so sick of ‘almosts’. I want the real thing, is it really too much to ask? Dammit.

Underappreciated.

It’s one thing for your efforts to be ignored at work, it’s totally another different thing when it’s ignored by someone you care so much about, by someone you care for the most, if I must say.

I can’t think of an instance when I’ve never heed to her needs, form when she’s still a sickly little kid until now that she’s 21. I’ve always been there for her, day, night, for her assignments/projects/exams in gradeschool, even for her thesis in college. How many of her friends’ siblings did the same for them? How many of them stayed up late almost every night with them, doing the paperworks, printing those fucking collaterals, going to España and then come home to FTI past midnight?

You, if you ever read this, how many of your friends’ siblings searched the net for hours to find a job for them? Asked their other friends to model for them, to maybe give them a job interview, pester their officemates to participate in your FGD, sleep in the narrower part of the bed every fucking night, bring you along everywhere she can?

I’ve always believed in what you can do, I always try to build your confidence up, I’ve always been your #1 fan. But you are very difficult to love. I sometimes wonder if you ever think of other people, what you can do for them, how you can make them happy, how you can do something significant for them.

Have I done this to you, to us? Is it my fault for helping you out too much? But how can I not, when you’re my baby sister… Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do, be there for you all the way? Should I stop here, now?

Even the smallest things like what happened today causes me pain, because I love you too much. I just hate it when you talk back like that, like you take everything and everyone for granted. You don’t plan ahead, you don’t care what will happen next, you don’t give a fuck. Bakit? Kasi nandiyan naman si mommy, nandiyan naman si daddy, nandiyan naman sila ate. We have raised a brat. You can’t even look after yourself well. We even had to live an hour away from our jobs just so our apartment will just be 10 minutes away from your office. And don’t even tell us that we had a choice.

I want to be done with it. I don’t want to care too much about anyone anymore. Maybe if I start being really selfish, I might at least get what I want, do what I want, be what I want without thinking about how it will affect you. Maybe then you will be more independent.

I’m not perfect in any way, but if there’s one thing I can honestly be proud of, that’s being a good sister to you. But why am i crying over this right now?

If you’ll ever work and come back with us in the apartment, we can still live together until August, until our contract ends. But I think it’s time you and I start living apart. I don’t want to be just your back up anymore.

What the hell am I doing wrong?

So Valentine’s Day went by just like any other day. I’m not really bitter about spending it alone, but I’m very much bitter about spending most of my adult life alone.

I’ve deleted my Facebook account almost a year ago, but I’ve recently made a new one just for my high school reunion which I’m helping to organize. Wrong move. Everytime I log in, I see photos of my batchmates’ kids, their prenup/wedding photos, news about being pregnant, etc.

Last December, my bestest guy friend got married.

Last week, my bestfriend/buddy/roommate/officemate got engaged with her boyfriend of 2 years.

On March 3, my bestfriend from my first job will be celebrating her son’s first birthday.

2 days ago, my gradeschool bestfriend asked me to be her son’s godmother.

I’m genuinely happy for my friends, I love them all dearly. It just makes me wonder for the nth time what I’m doing wrong with my life. I’m not the ugliest nor fattest woman on earth, I’m not the worst person out there, and I’m definitely not stupid. Why I’m nowhere near being with someone who’d actually think I’m worth something bothers me a lot. I don’t know what else to do. Or think.

Not Cool.

Last night, my parents stayed in Tondo in our aunt’s house and left my sisters and I at home alone with our 10-year old nephew who now lives with us. (I know that was a long sentence but I’m really pouring out my feelings here right now)

It was past 1 AM, we were already asleep when I heard my sister’s phone ring. She answered it and I knew she was talking to my mom. I got nervous. There must be something wrong. You see, two people I kind of knew passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly this month, making me realize life is really short, and that anytime, anyone could just go like that.

I turned the lights on and watched my sister talk to my mom, and with her kind of annoyed face and calm voice, at least I was assured it’s not THAT serious. Turns out, my dad was really REALLY drunk, and he’s been having hiccups for quite a while. Being the nurse in the family, mom called my sister to ask what she should do. After their conversation I texted my mom and she said he already threw up and that he’s fine.

Now my mom called and told me to shoulder first the fee for today’s laundry services because they still can’t possibly travel back home, my dad’s still not feeling well.

I have been drunk. Like really drunk. But not to the point that someone had to take care of me, or carry me home. I’ve never thrown up, and that’s for real. I don’t care if other people drink like they have to prove to the world they’re macho or whatever. What pisses me off is that he’s a parent. Of three girls. How is he gonna discipline us if he can’t be responsible in this himself? Kaya ko din makipagsabayan ng inuman, pero baka ma-highblood siya kapag nakita niya ko. I can do it and I will do it if I had to make a point.

I just don’t get it when parents do stupid things, any stupid things. Fine, they’re still human and they may make mistakes. But you can’t.You have chosen to be a parent, therefore you have chosen to be a model and guide to your kids. As for myself, I’ve learned to think first if what I’m gonna do is something that I’ll feel bad about if my sisters or my future kids do the same thing. I don’t have tattoos or piercings, and I’ve never smoked anything my whole life, and these are just some of the things I can tell my kids “No, you can’t do that’ without them being able to get back at me and tell me I’ve done it myself. In the end, it’s still their choice, of course, but at the very least, you should be credible enough to tell your them what they should or should not do.

I know I’m ranting about a simple thing, and something that doesn’t really happen that often. And don’t get me wrong, ’cause I honestly adore my dad. But still, I’m pissed off. It’s just not cool.